Do you enjoy funerals? Growl at passersby? Wish certain people would mysteriously vanish from your life?

If so, then you probably wonder if you’re a monster. However, these don’t really indicate monstrousness on their own. If anything, they probably just mean you’re a writer. A general dislike for all people everywhere kind of goes with the profession.

Nevertheless, it doesn’t mean you’re not a monster either. There are a few symptoms to look out for, the first of which is whether people tend to avoid you.

People Avoid You

When you enter a room, people either try to avoid your notice or try to put as much distance between you and them as possible. Some people hide under tables, others will try to position themselves behind their friends, and still others will run away screaming in terror.

People Attack You On Sight

Not everyone will run away, though. While the sight of a monster can induce panic, it could also trigger a fight response in more aggressive types. If you find that people are constantly drawing steel, opening fire on you, or shouting insulting things at you with no (apparent) provocation on your part, then it may be time to look in the mirror.

You Try to Avoid Looking in Mirrors

Speaking of mirrors, many monsters tend to avoid looking in them. For some, it’s simply because they’re too ugly for words (like the above-pictured Ned, whose lower lip is located above his eyebrows), but for others, it might be a way of keeping themselves hidden. Vampires, for instance, don’t have reflections, so they’ll probably try to avoid mirrors in order to keep their true nature a secret.

People Near You End Up Withered or Dead

Another indicator that you might be a monster is if those who manage to abide your presence for extended periods end up either shriveled up or dead. Maybe you consume their essence, reducing them to a withered husk. Or perhaps you emit noxious fumes that assault the brain with deadly neurotoxins. Or perhaps you just get hungry and bite their heads off. If you’re a monster, one way or another, those nearest you will likely end up markedly less than alive.

You Care Nothing for the Misfortune of Others

We often equate heartlessness with monstrousness, and it’s often true. Zombies are incapable of affection because they’re just animated flesh. Vampires are notoriously cruel creatures. And of course, we have eldritch horrors that don’t care about people any more than you care about that ant racing along the sidewalk outside.

This heartlessness may cause you to find humor in moments that are heart wrenching for others, such as funerals, the death of a beloved pet, or the loss of a limb. Most people express their condolences, but monsters either don’t care or blatantly laugh out loud.

You Feel Ugly Inside

The final indicator of whether you’re a monster is if you feel like your soul has rotted away. In the event that you ever do any soul-searching, you find only ugliness, corruption, rage, or a black void where your heart should be.

This may be the most reliable symptom of whether or not you’re a monster. After all, you may be able to hide your nature from others. You might be able to feign empathy toward people. But if you look deep down, you can never hide your true nature from yourself.

Monsters don’t often examine their own souls, however. And if they do, they don’t tend to manage it for very long.

As such, if you’re uncomfortable being alone with your own thoughts for any period of time, you may be a monster.

Ideas? Questions? Objections? Think I’m the monster here? Let me know in the comments! Also, please share this with all your friends (they need to know whether or not they’re monsters too). All proceeds go toward local blood drives for underfed vampires. Really.