A couple months back, I started getting spam comments on a few of my posts. Rather than immediately delete them, I figured I’d save them and respond to them in a large post.

This is that post.

All the below comments were made on Part 1 of Jerich and the Cave of Memory. Which is odd, because it’s a short story, but that very fact makes these comments seem hilariously out of place. If you want a full sense for how absurd these comments look here, I’d recommend reading the post first before proceeding.

Affiliate Programs

It all started with the affiliate programs. You can tell most are spam because they don’t seem to realize exactly what it is they’re commenting on.

Deceptive first comment

The first one was by someone by the name of “best affiliate programs 2020,” and it could literally fit anywhere. I actually gave a reply, thinking I was helping a real person, before getting wise.

Hey I know this is off topic but I was wondering if you knew of any widgets I could add to my blog that automatically tweet my newest twitter updates.

I’ve been looking for a plug-in like this for quite some time and was hoping maybe you would have some experience with something like this. Please let me know if you run into anything. I truly enjoy reading your blog and I look forward to your new updates.

So, nothing to say about the story? You just commented to ask about plugins? On a short story? Well, okay…

Generic compliment

Next was from “weight loss affiliate programs”:

Woah! I’m really loving the template/theme of this blog. It’s simple, yet effective. A lot of times it’s hard to get that “perfect balance” between superb usability and visual appeal. I must say you’ve done a awesome job with this. Additionally, the blog loads super fast for me on Safari.

Outstanding Blog!

I’m glad you apparently think so. Surely that’s more worthy of discussion than the fact that this is a story about someone who sees his LITERAL MEMORIES RIGHT BEFORE HIS EYES!

The issues

From “be i am dress” (apparently not an affiliate program):

Everything is very open with a very clear description of the issues.

It was truly informative. Your website is extremely helpful.

Thank you for sharing!

Not sure what “issues” you’re referring to here. I mean, unless you find some applicable meaning in a story about a guy wandering into a crystal cave where he sees visions of his own memories. I guess. Glad you found it helpful though?

How to do blogging, apparently

From “affiliate programs for beginners”:

This article gives clear idea in support of the new viewers of blogging, that genuinely how to do blogging and site-building.

I mean, maybe from a purely structural standpoint, maybe, but you should be aware that Yoast regularly yells at me for not dividing these things up with subheadings, so I’m not sure what you’re talking about here.

Making a comeback

From “supplement affiliate programs”:

Hey There. I found your weblog the use of msn. This is a very smartly written article. I will make sure to bookmark it and return to read extra of your helpful information. Thanks for the post.

I will certainly comeback.

And I’ll be waiting for your comeback. Also, I’m glad you found the “information” in this story about a guy hallucinating in a cave helpful. Also also, who says “weblog” anymore?

A clever way to say absolutely nothing

From “online affiliate programs” (noticing a trend here?):

Wow that was odd. I just wrote an really long comment but after I clicked submit my comment didn’t appear.

Grrrr… well I’m not writing all that over again. Anyway, just wanted to say superb blog!

I didn’t see your super long comment in my moderation queue. Sneaky, though. However, given that your name is “online affiliate programs,” you probably shouldn’t find it at all odd that your initial comment didn’t appear (assuming it ever existed in the first place).

This Is a Fictional Story, Guys

The comments continued, this time from “people” who apparently weren’t “affiliate programs.”

RIP iPad

From “visit this site”:

Today, while I was at work, my sister stole my apple ipad and tested to see if it can survive a 25 foot drop, just so she can be a youtube sensation. My iPad is now destroyed and she has 83 views.

I know this is completely off topic but I had to share it with someone!

And you chose a story about a guy hallucinating in a crystal cave as the perfect forum to air this drama? Well okay. You do you, I guess.

Data

From “go to this site”:

I think the admin of this website is really working hard in favor of his web page, because here every data is quality based data.

Data. Right. You do realize this is a story about a guy who sees his memories in a crystal cave, right?

Also, who comments on a blog post just to compliment the admin? No one. Absolutely. No. One.

No one human, anyway.

Crystal caves are important

From “click”:

I think this is one of the most important info for me. And i’m glad studying your article. However should observation on some general issues, The website style is great, the articles is in point of fact excellent :D. Good process, cheers

Important info, huh? Sure. If you’re a literary critic, maybe.

Strategies

From one “froleprotrem,” who had actually been spamming comments on other posts before this:

Hey very cool blog!! Man .. Excellent .. Amazing .. I will bookmark your site and take the feeds also…I am happy to find a lot of useful information here in the post, we need work out more strategies in this regard, thanks for sharing. . . . . .

Yes, this post has lots of useful information about a medieval soldier hallucinating in a crystal cave. Not sure what kinds of strategies you’ll be able to work out from it, though. Unless they involve drugs.

Speaking of drugs…

“seo” comments:

I loved as much as you will receive carried out right here.

The sketch is attractive, your authored subject matter stylish.

nonetheless, you command get got an nervousness over that you wish be delivering the following.

unwell unquestionably come more formerly again as

exactly the same nearly a lot often inside case you shield this increase.

You’re on drugs, aren’t you?

User discussion forums

Someone named “Jann” (wow, an actual name!) wanted some recommendations:

Very good website you have here but I was curious if you knew of any user discussion forums that cover the same topics talked about in this article? I’d really love to be a part of online community where I can get advice from other knowledgeable individuals that share the same interest.

If you have any suggestions, please let me know. Kudos!

First of all: Rude. You come to my site and ask me to direct you to potential competitors? Sheesh!

Second of all: Your best bet might be r/LSD.

I’m an expert

From “Internet Lelewizja”:

Just want to say your article is as amazing. The clarity in your post is just cool and i can assume you’re an expert on this subject. Well with your permission allow me to grab your RSS feed to keep up to date with forthcoming post.

Thanks a million and please carry on the enjoyable work.

Well, you’d be right in assuming I’m an expert on this subject, seeing how it all takes place in a fictional world that I made up.

Irony

From “tv z internetem”:

Hey there! I just wanted to ask if you ever have any issues with hackers? My last blog (wordpress) was hacked and I ended up losing months of hard work due to no data backup.

Do you have any methods to stop hackers?

Well, I can’t say I have had any problems with hackers. Spammers, on the other hand…

Dealing with Spam

These are just a few. Likely I’ll make another post on this, because this isn’t even half the absurdity that has occurred.

But how do I deal with it? Well, it turns out WordPress lets you create a word-based block list in its settings.

Notice how most of these posts compliment my blog? Well, I decided to add that word to a list of terms that would automatically send comments to the trash, including:

• blog
• site
• web
• net
• article

Honestly, anyone commenting on my posts using these terms probably hasn’t actually read them. With this list, most spam gets sent straight to my trash folder without my having to moderate anything.

As funny as it can be sometimes, moderating it all gets a little tiresome.

Still makes for a fun blog post though.

Do you have any entertaining spam stories? Tell us all about them in the comments! Also, make sure you like and share this post around. All proceeds go toward replacing that one guy’s late iPad with drug-induced hallucinations. Really.