Have you ever wondered if you could stretch your nostrils enough to fit a monitor lizard inside?

The more I think about it, the more I believe it could be done. If you do it too fast, though, you’ll end up splitting your nostrils open, and that will have ruined everything. Even a slow process would likely mean blood. After all, you need to get the monitor lizard inside your nose (much like the Phantom of the Opera gets inside your mind). And that means not only widening the nostril’s exterior, but also the cartilaginous interior as well.

In fact, this would probably mean significant alterations to your face as a whole as you gradually force bone, skin, and other tissues out of the way of the large lizard you intend to shove inside. You might do it in the same way people prep their ears for gigantic gauges: first, you go with small ones, then work your way up. There will likely be some cracking and splitting as you go, but hopefully not so much that it completely rips everything open all at once. It’s reasonable to expect some bleeding and pain.

So what we need is a set of increasingly large nose gauges. Then we need some septum gauges, and then gauges to force the innermost parts of the nose open, possibly shoving the eyes aside and revealing the brain.

Then shove a lizard into that mess.

It’s kind of like life, in a way. You start off small and inflexible, and then push yourself through increasingly more difficult situations that force you to stretch. After you get used to one stretch, push yourself a little further until, eventually, you’re able to shove a metaphorical monitor lizard into your metaphorical nostril.

So go for it. Go for the lizard.

Just take all the needed baby steps you need to get there.

Thoughts? Feelings? Aspersions? Let me know in the comments! Also, if you want to support The Astral Wanderer, share this post or consider becoming a Patron! All proceeds go toward bioengineering monitor lizards so they can survive rapid changes in habitat. Really.