We live in a world where retailers make special preparations to accommodate high volumes of gift returns the day after Christmas. I’m not sure how I feel about that, frankly. In some cases, maybe it’s warranted. I think in many, however, it conveys a sense of entitlement that I find repulsive.

However, that’s just my gut reaction to this situation. There are many factors at work here, and I feel we need to account for those instead of flat out condemning holiday gift returns.

I think it might help if we consider the different kinds of gifts people give. Below are some categorizations ranked more or less from most ideal to least. Note that these categorizations are a function of my own opinions, so they are at least somewhat arbitrary. They also aren’t going to be clean distinctions. Some categories may bleed into others, and most gifts will have aspects from multiple classifications. This is a messy world, and this is the best I feel like doing with the subject matter right now.

Without further ado, on to the first category: the ideal gift!

The Ideal Gift

This is what we all hope for, I think. Someone gives you something out of sincere love and thoughtfulness toward you, and you love it. The gift is a perfect expression of that individual’s love and understanding of who you are and what you like. This is ideal. This is the connection of heart to heart and soul to soul. This is the ultimate gift.

No returns, generally. Maybe you’ll swap for a different size if it’s apparel, but it’s otherwise perfect.

The Sincere Gift

This gift is meant well. The giver saw something that made them think of you, and they decided to send it to you. It’s sincerely given in a spirit of love and kindness. These often comes from people who just love giving gifts. They love the feeling of sending you something that they think will make you smile. My mom is this kind of gift giver, as it happens, which can make holidays interesting.

Maybe you’ll love the gift. Often, however, it’s a complete miss. The giver might not quite understand what you want or need. Or perhaps they aren’t really capable of giving you what you want, but they want to give you something anyway.

Hit or miss, this kind of gift is given out of fondness, and I think that disqualifies it from returns. The giver didn’t have to do this for you, and returning it would be a strong expression of ingratitude.

Regifting might be an option. Pass the fondness on rather than rejecting it outright. Maybe white elephant gift fodder? Don’t know.

Whatever you do, I would advise against asking these individuals to stop. Doing so would functionally be a slap in the face.

The Obligatory Gift

As a society, we’ve managed to create all these pressures and expectations concerning gift-giving, especially around Christmas. For this reason, many gifts are given out of some sense of obligation. People are told (or perhaps just tell themselves) that if they don’t give a certain individual a certain gift at a certain time, then they are a bad parent/spouse/sibling/friend/second cousin three times removed/etc.

This is why gift cards were invented, as it happens. It’s also why there’s a stigma around giving gift cards too, come to think of it.

Do you return these? Maybe. There isn’t much emotional investment on the part of the giver other than a desire to be not a bad person. On the other hand, returning it may just make the giver feel like a bad person anyway. It tells them that they are out of touch with the receiver, and therefore a bad parent/spouse/sibling/friend/second cousin three times removed/etc.

Of course, they’re often given with receipts included, so there’s that. If that’s the case, then returning it should be pretty chill.

Make no mistake, though: the obligatory gift is not necessarily an indicator that the giver is a bad person. Often, they’re decent, duty-bound individuals who want to make sure they do right by others. At the very worst, they’re most likely just a bit insecure.

The Manipulative Gift

These are not true gifts. These are gifts given with the intention of getting something from you. They are more a gift for the receiver than for you, even though it’s technically your name on the box.

Maybe they’re currying favor. Maybe they’re trying to create a sense of obligation for you to do something in return. They create a sort of debt this way.

Could be a flat-out bribe.

Or maybe it’s a nudge toward some kind of action, like giving you new bakeware so that you’ll keep making them cookies for their birthday each year. That’s a fairly innocuous example, but you get the idea.

In any case, I think these are often fine to return. Maybe the giver will make a big stink out of it (perhaps by trying to appeal to the sensibilities expressed in the above categories), but that’s just more manipulation. They are attempting to exert some power over you, and they typically don’t like letting that go.

In fact, I would go so far as to say that in the very worst of cases, you might have a moral obligation to return these gifts if you can do so safely. Even if you like the gift, don’t make yourself indebted to these individuals. Demonstrate clearly that you reject the shackles they attempt to throw over you.

That’s the worst case scenario, of course. It’s not the worst thing to just keep baking cookies, after all, and these gifts aren’t always malicious. As with the obligatory gift, they may be given out of a sense of insecurity (like an “Oh no, we’re growing apart! How do I keep this person in my life?” kind of deal). It’s best to maintain some perspective here and not leap to scathing condemnations at every perceived slight.

To Return, or Not to Return?

It’s up to you and your situation, really. The core question you should ask yourself is this:

Was the gift meant well?

If so, then I don’t think returning it is the most moral option. Returning an honest gift just because you don’t like it seems to me like an indicator of ingratitude and entitlement. Be better, and see others’ efforts at love more truly and more kindly.

If not, then you probably can without morally disgracing yourself or insulting anyone. Just be careful that you’re not jumping to this option just because your view of someone involves hating everything they do. That isn’t morally decent either.

If they include a receipt? You’re probably fine either way.

The Astral Wanderer is brought to you by at least one Christmas season working in retail. Share this, like this, comment on this, or jettison it out into the void. You can also support the blog on Patreon for a dollar a month. All proceeds go toward collecting fodder for white elephant gift exchanges. Really.