One thing I try to do is keep a freewriting journal. It’s just a document I have on my computer where I do stream-of-consciousness writing. It’s great for developing ideas, but frequently it results in some amusing nonsense.
Currently, I’m working on a project that involves taking random story fragments from my freewriting journal and developing them into actual publishable work. During this process, I’ve come across some amusing tidbits that are worth sharing here. These aren’t currently usable for any other formats that I feel like dealing with, so here they are for your amusement.
Enjoy!
<I’ll interject some notes here and there in this format, either to give context or to share some of my own thoughts on the piece. Just so you know.>
Fart of the Eternal Dragon
I, the eternal dragon,
once farted so hard
I blew existence to shards,
including the elder gods
whose brains I stewed
till they turned to glue
an age and a day later.
And this glue I used
to patch up the universe.
It’s now as good as new
save the stew of eldritch horrors
that hold it all together.
Jim, Happy Mart Manager
“Well, crap,” he said, staring at the executive program on the computer screen.
Jim had tried to fire hmself, but found that the enterprise software used by the store’s administrative computers didn’t give him the clearance to do so.
“Worth a shot, I guess,” he said, getting up from the computer to try to find some other way to waste the company’s time. He absolutely despised Happy Mart and everything about it, from the tacky smiling Happy Kid on the doors to the particolored paint on the walls. He even came to hate the people—the people he worked with, the people he worked for, the people who came in through the doors. This hatred was beginning to extend to everyone else as well, evolving in the cesspools of what Happy Mart had left of his soul into an undying hatred for the human race as a whole. His only friend nowadays, as he saw it, was the moon. The sun, he didn’t care for. He never really saw it anyway. As one of their “vital personnel,” the store had him from the crack of dawn (or before) to the dead of night day after day. During the rare days he wasn’t there managing the useless peons the store used as employees, he was sleeping.
<I may develop this into something later, come to think of it. It just doesn’t fit for the project I’m currently working on. I’d like to explore how Jim becomes friends with the moon through his dreams or something.>
Dr. Paul’s EXTREME Chin Augmentation Surgery!
Do you want a chin that could sink a battleship? Then look no further than Dr. Paul’s EXTREME chin augmentation surgery! We replace that flimsy bone chin with a honking SIX TON TITANIUM ALLOY ANCHOR designed to keep flying fortresses from floating away! Don’t believe us? Just ask Jim!
“High, my name is Jim, and I’ve had to learn how to talk with my jaw planted firmly in the ground, so the top of my head moves. My neck went numb years ago, and my family feeds me every day. I haven’t shaved. Some birds made a nest in my beard cause I can’t move. This is terrible. Don’t get the surg—”
So as you can see, Jim is clearly thrilled with his surgery! Been working out for him for five years! But don’t take our or his words for it! Come in to Dr. Paul’s Amusingly Inhumane Plastic Surgery Center today for your chin job!
<As an aside, I think I was writing for a client at this time and started making fun of them in my head. This happens frequently. Names have been changed to protect the innocent.>
Save the Bees
Regurgitated starlight is just as gross as any other regurgitated thing, with the exception of honey, which somehow, in spite of being bee barf, is not gross at all. Isn’t that interesting? The greatest miracle of our age is the fact that bees can vomit something that is not repulsive. It defies the logic and very laws of the universe governing all regurgitated things, from answers to test questions to the great, massive, chunky vomit of eldritch gods in the void. Bees have defied these laws, and therefore, in them is the home of the universe. If they die, so will the rest of us, for they and their miracle of sweet deliciousness and purest goodness bar the way of eternal justice toward all sick things, and thus excuse the existence of barf to the unwitting benefit of babies everywhere, thereby ensuring our continued existence.
Eternal justice for all laws of decency regarding vomit is appeased by bee barf. Who knew.
More to Come!
As I work on this project (the details of which I’ll share later), I’ll likely post more of these freewriting tidbits. I will do this whether or not any of you actually like it. So there.
The Astral Wanderer is brought to you by the chaotic nonsense that plagues the half-conscious imaginations of writers everywhere. If you enjoyed this, be sure to share this with your friends so they can see just how weird cool you are. All proceeds go toward saving the bees so they can continue to shield us from the full weight of cosmic justice for the abominations that babies spew from their mouths. Really.